I believe I’ve vented enough about my current situation with my former business associates.  I would like to talk a little bit about reciprocity now and how I will be standing up for myself, and what I believe will ultimately happen to the company that made the poor choice to remove me from employment.

 

First, I will state the law of reciprocity according to drjerm.  This is as follows:

 

“Everything you give in this life with honesty, integrity, and loyalty shall be given back to you at least twice over.  Everything you take away in this life with selfish or mal-intent shall be taken from you at least ten times over.”

 

So what is this saying?  Basically if you give of yourself and treat others properly, you will help them grow and they will become loyal to you and you will reap benefits beyond what you have given.  If you decide to be selfish, inconsiderate of others, or have other agendas that take away from other people, you shall eventually lose much more than what you have taken.

 

Notice I said eventually.  I have no dobut that there are people in this world who are making it big at the unfortunate expense of other people.  Eventually these types of people will get what is coming to them.  It may not be in a year, five years, or even 10 years.  But I believe that eventually, all things come full circle.

 

And so it is with me.  I have had a flame lit under me.  I realize I have hap-hazardly been working on the projects that I know will help me create my legacy in the world today.  I know that I have not used my talents and abilities nearly enough to leave my mark on the world and to inspire and uplift others.

 

I mean, look at me - I am jobless, have a mortgage to pay, and I have a family to take care of.  I’m not afraid, but I am in a tough situation.  And you know what?  Instead of getting a ‘day’ job, I am going to kick myself into another dimension and bring to pass the fulfillment of my talents and abilities.  This road is not going to be easy.  It is going to be difficult.  It will be straining.  It will be worth it.

 

As I do this, I will show that a jobless husband who believes in himself can and will achieve success and beyond.  I will show that the efforts of one man can make a difference.  I hope to inspire all of you who read this and show you the evidence that it can be done.

 

As for exactly what my reciprocity is, it will manifest itself over time, but quickly.  I am dedicating my life to achieving success now and I don’t have all the time in the world.  In fact, I have 3 months as of tommorow.  That’s roughly how long our savings will hold up.  I am outlining a plan of attack for each and every day that I will accomplish.  In three months time, I will have much to report.  Until then, check back every day as I will have something new to share :)

 

As for the company that let me go, the reciprocity to them is the loss of me and my twin brother, two talented developers far and beyond what normal developers can do.  But more than that, the company has lost my many hidden talents and abilities.

 

Wish me luck, I will need it!

I’ve published quite a bit of information on the drjerm website about confidence, happiness, and emotional stability.  I have to admit that right now I am fully being put to the test.  There have been only a few times in my life where I have had an intense emotional response in a negative way.  These include:

 

• My first time living away from home in Ireland
• The first time my wife and I broke up when we were dating
• Other times I have felt betrayed, including the most recent one where a company whose owners I trusted ended up just getting rid of the developers, including me

 

I have to be honest with myself right now, I am very upset.  I’ve been working with one of the owners of the company I got axed from since April 2004 and I trusted him.  I no longer do at all.  Time after time, the owners talked about how important our development was and that we were safe from any down sizing.  The end result is that all the talk over the last 10 months has been B.S.  All talks of money, importance, everything just a load of crap.  This is how I feel when I am honest with myself about it.

 

So the challenge is what do you do when intense emotion is consuming you?  For some of you, this may be getting heart broken, suffering the death of a loved one, or getting betrayed as I have been.  I don’t claim to have all the answers to this, but I can at least share some experiences and insight.

 

Look to Actions and Evidence

 

The first thing is the fake, generalized talk that goes on between business associates, family members, and supposed friends - where everything is just a front to what is truly going on.  What is truly going on is what gets talked about behind closed doors.  What a married couple talks about when nobody is around.  What the owners, of the company I helped start and got axed from instantly, talk about in their closed door meetings.  This is the stuff that is open and honest, rarely talked about in public getherings and meetings, and is the truth about what people are really thinking.

 

For me, having this further amplified has been helpful.  I always knew in the back of my mind that most discussions we were having while I was at the business were just for time filling, but I can now look back and see many signs of hidden realities.  Perhaps you are getting promised a raise at your job or other perks.  If none of this is happening, don’t kid yourself.  The people promising it do not have it as a high priority.

 

Look towards the action that is taking place.  Examine very carefully the actions.  When all conversations are happening and done, trust what is actually going on.  There was plenty of talk with the young owners of this company about the money we’d make, how important we were, and everything else under the sun.  We even got proposed ownerships a couple weeks ago which included me getting a $20,000/year raise, and percentage ownerships and profit sharing.

 

The realities were that the developers were brushed aside, a means to an end, poorly treated, and important only for getting the business going.  As such, I accept some responsiblity for the situation that has happened to me.  The intense emotions that I am having make me human and I believe are defense mechanisms to let me know how a situations is going.  I’ve learned more fully that everyone has their own agendas they are trying to achieve.  For the young owners, we were a means to an end for their agenda.

 

In Their Shoes

 

Another way to handle this intense emotion I believe is to see it from the other sides point of view, the other side meaning the cause for the intense emotion.  I bet I can see it from the three owners points of view.  Let’s just call them A, B, and C.  A is the primary angel investor and is not young, while B and C are just two young guys with no experience, but decided to get into debt (in a variety of ways) in hopes that this company will make them millions.

 

The view point of angel investor A is simple.  They don’t want what they deem as un-necessary costs.  Five developers at the company was un-necessary to them.  So there is only developer left there as a supposed part time person to maintain systems.  The developers weren’t the only ones to go.  There were quite a few other people axed, including some graphics guys.  Angel investor A is the driving force behind the company’s decisions.  The two young owners are just like puppy dogs, following their orders as they don’t have a clue what they are doing.

 

We will call owner B, just a young guy who I’ve known for a couple years now.  He thinks highly of himself.  He doesn’t want to work for someone ever doing a day job.  He talks a lot saying one thing, but having in his mind his own agendas.  He wants to make a lot of money and do whatever he wants in life.  He tries to appear charming and good with people, but that is just a cover for his own hidden agendas.  It is sad, I used to admire this guy.

 

Owner C is the owner I first helped start a website with in early 2004.  I considered him a good friend and good business associate.  We talked a lot about what was going on and plans for the future.  Slowly over time, I was pushed more and more out of the picture.  I am sure he feels a little bit bad for the situation.  But in his mind, he wants to have the company stay alive and that means anything goes to make that happen.

 

So here was have three owners, and probably like many company owners, they make decisions soley for themselves and I can understand that.  After all, if you own a company you want it to make money.  But at what cost?  Losing friendships and ruining relationships?  Is a business and becoming a multi-millionaire really worth that?  For some, it appears to be so.

 

Final Thoughts

 

I have a much amplified sensor now when it comes to people wanting to start a business and asking for the help of others.  My view point may even be a little skewed and over the edge now because of this situation.  All I can say is, don’t get trapped by people who want your help with a business and promising you things if you help.  What is really going on is they need your skills which they don’t have and you are a means to their end for their success.  Keep your guard up and don’t let yourself get roped in.

 

That’s not to say that there isn’t good honest people trying to start a business.  It just means be very careful when anyone starting a business asks for your help.  You may be fortunate and find that they are actually genuine.  But if you face a situation like me, you are better off saying no and just leaving it at that.

So I’ve been a bit serious lately with one of the bigger challenges in life that I have faced and that is getting betrayed by a business partner.  More will certainly come on that later, but for now, let’s look at something a little different.  Are you ready?  I thought so, let’s read on!

 

The 10 Year High School Reunion

 

Yesterday I had the opportunity to attend my wife’s 10 year high school reunion.  This was held at one of the local universities in a nice big room.  There was also some kind of singles dance down the hall a bit where cologne was running rampant, but more on that later.

 

My wife has spent the last six months going full steam ahead planning this 10 year high school reunion with a couple of her friends.  It’s been her second job.  My second job has then become doing anything to help her work on the reunion, such as keeping our daughter Ellie from chewing on things important to the reunion.

 

So we arrived early to get stuff setup for the reunion and apparently they were planning on having a stage for the reunion but instead there was just an open area against a wall.  Uh oh, things going wrong with something, now that’s absurd!

 

But that’s okay because there was a table, podium, and microphone there.  And a place to hook up a laptop to show a slide show presentation so all was good… or was it?

 

We had food catered to us in a room with about 25 tables each with 10 chairs or so to them.  All of the waiters were Spanish.  So when I said to one of them, ‘these rolls are tasty, can we get some refills?’ I got a um, shrugged shoulders, blank stare to which I responded, ‘don’t worry about it’.  No extra rolls for me to eat, I’m a big boy, I can handle it.

 

And then it came time to show a slide show and, whoops, there is sound but no display.  Luckily, one of the husbands of an alumni, or maybe it was an alumni with a wife, was able to tinker around and working his mojo got the display to work.  Woo hoo, the slide show is full steam ahead.

 

So a few wrenches were thrown into the reunion, but that’s ok.  It worked out great, everyone loved it, and the thanks my wife and the reunion committee got was great.  It goes to show that effort, dedication, and proper planning lead to wonderful things.  The 10 year high school reunion was a big success!

 

After the Reunion

 

Then there’s the after reunion stuff… Which means everyone talking to each other and catching up.  And for the spouses it means finding something to keep yourself occupied.  I had a book that I am reading about real estate.  It’s actually a pretty interesting book so far.  When I am done, I will post a review on the drjerm website, but until then, you can check it out here.

 

And when my neck was hurting from reading, I found myself counting the bark chips in the plant holders, counting the tiles on the walls and floor, and pacing around like an English soldier or wandering drunk, except I wasn’t drunk.  Counting the tiles was fun, it reminded me of ‘The Count of Monte Cristo’ movie released a few years ago where in prison, Edmond Dantes tells the priest he’s counted 12,000 (or some high number) odd stones and the priest asks him if he’s named them yet to which Edmond balls like a baby.

 

But eventually people dispersed and we cleaned up and got ready to leave.  All in all, a successful event.

 

The Dance

 

On the way out of the university it was very evident that a singles dance was going on.  All I did was walk in the halls as many guys walked by, their hair greasier than a basket of fries, their clothes ironed so much that they look like their poor iron is probably crying from overuse, and the cologne!

 

Wow, I’ve smelled cologne before, but this was more than cologne, it was as if the guys at this dance found a fountain of cologne, and each bathed in it for 40 days in preparation for this big event, and then they washed their clothes in the cologne fountain, and then, after getting dressed, sprayed bottles of cologne on themselves.  I thought I was going to pass out into a coma.  Luckily I made it home, safe and sound.

 

EDIT –> I am sorry for the Google Ads that are being displayed for this article.  I am going to have to tweak this article to get some better, less crude ads to display.

It has been just over a day now since drastic measures were taken place at a company I helped start about 10 months ago.  I was let go - a supposed executive and part owner.  Someone who helped one of the young owners start a website and worked hard developing it without pay for over a year so I could partner with him on the website.

 

I write to educate others that they may see warning signs and be guarded against some of the snares I let myself get entrapped in.  I do not use the name of the company nor the names of the owners because I am a man of integrity and honesty and I do not believe in slander.  However, I believe that much is amiss and this is far from the end of this situation.

 

August 2007, I notified Ancestry.com that I would be leaving for another company where I was promised executive management and ownership.  Ancestry.com is a great company to work for.  They provided me with great pay and benefits, and the working environment was reasonable (except for a few ergonomic issues).  The two guys that were investing money to start the company were/are young and inexperienced.  But I’ve known one of them for a few years and we started a website together that was pretty successful that was being ‘merged’ into this new company.

 

Before I started work at this new company, the two young guys who were the main owners had purchased a building that was being fixed up to get ready for the initial group of people to start working.  Even a couple weeks before work was to start, the building was run down, garbage was everywhere and it was still in need of carpeting and other fitting.  This was warning sign number 1, that there was not much preparation or thought going into the initial launch of the company.  I should have realized that these two guys were young and inexperienced and were saying and doing whatever it took to pursue their dreams of being multi-millionaires.

 

But I continued on happily, remaining optimisitc, and in the end, I had to extend my work at Ancestry.com another week because the building was not quite ready to work in yet.  Eventually it was and my twin brother and I setup all the networking for the building which took about 10 hours on a Saturday for which we were paid lunch and that’s it.  This was warning sign number 2.

 

Now keep in mind, all this time, I was a part owner of a website that me and one of the ‘owners’ had been working on.  It was paying me a very good extra income each month, surpassing $5,000 monthly in addition to my job at Ancestry.com.  Unfortunately, this income ceased and I accepted a meager salary to start working at this company for which benefits were promised.  But it wasn’t until many months into the future that the promised benefits even started to surface.  This was warning sign number 3.

 

My twin brother and I started doing the development for the entire company and started with our own offices.  Over time, we were eventually moved out of our offices to make way for other people coming in.  Slowly but surely, we were being brushed to the side, but asked to urgently work and as such this was warning sign number 4, that we were just a means to an end.

 

There was another company that was part of the new company doing internet coaching.  There were two brothers who owned roughly 49 percent of that company.  They were unethical, unreasonable, and greedy.  I’m not quite sure why they were given a chance to come aboard and take part in all this.  Evntually their behavior was caught fully and they were dismissed.  This was warning sign number 5, and that is how on earth two people like this were given a 49 percent ownership in a company.

 

We eventually moved into a newer building and our development team was promptly moved into an old radio room with no windows.  Once again, brushed aside, we tried to remain positive and optimistic.  Our ownerships at this point were still vague.  We had been constantly time after time, hounding the two young owners as to what our ownerships were.  We were promised much, but in the end, I had a 20% stake in one of the companies and my twin brother 5%.  But who knows what this really met.  This took many months after the start of this company.  This was warning sign number 6.

 

Eventually development got moved into a conference room where we at least could put up some cubicle walls.  But it was evident that development was becoming less and less important.  We were hounded to work on stuff, but over time, the focus was shifting to getting more sales.  A head sales manager was hired and offered a salary 4 times what I was getting.  This was warning sign number 7.

 

You’d think that with all these warning signs that I would have made better choices.  Well, my twin brother and I must have met with the young owners 50 times expressing concerns, asking for our roles/ownerships to be hashed out more.  But everything was always delayed.  Eventually, an ‘angel investor’ was brought into the picture and because he was investing the most money, he gained the majority say in what was to be done with the company.  This was warning sign number 8.

 

Keep in mind that I gave up a good job with good benefits with a good salary and bonuses.  I had an extra income between $3,000 and $5,000 coming in each month from my bonus work on the website I helped start with one of the young owners.  It can definitely be said that I gave up much and gained not much in return.  In addition, my wife did some work for this new company for which she was never paid.  I had to hound one of the young owners to pay money he owed me from work I did over six months ago.  This was warning sign number 9.

 

An accountant was hired for the new company and a focus on money was being emphasized.  Every time I talked to the young owners it was always ‘risk/reward’ determines what you get.  In their minds, if you did not risk money, you did not risk anything.  To this I say, ‘baloney’.  I’ve lost roughly $50,000 a year from bonus pay and the salary I was making at this new company.  I gave my time and talents.  To say that is not a risk is ridiculous.  This was warning sign number 10.

 

In the end, it was an endless struggle to try and work out ownership and roles within the company.  But what it came down to was trimming the company down and using the website I helped create as a ‘cash cow’ to help fund this new company.  As a supposed 25% owner of one of the companies, my voice has fallen on deaf ears.  Now I see this company being run into the ground, it’s value being stripped away and nothing to be seen from it.  This is warning sign number 11.

 

So what does this mean for you reading this?  It means do not despair.  I am still optimistic and positive.  A burning inside me continues to make drjerm.com the place for being educated, uplifted, and inspired.  I believe in time that this site will be well known around the world and that my inspiring stories and educating articles will have helped millions.  I hope that the thoughts I’ve shared help at least some people avoid being used as a means to an end to further less talented people’s greedy ambitions.

 

I have grown a burning in me and a sadness as two young people, who have said and done whatever it takes to get people to be a means to an end as they seek to become multi-millionaires for a company that is only going down hill now.  I feel betrayed, but at the same time know that I am at fault for allowing this to happen.  However, I’ve learned some valuable lessons that will strengthen me for the future and I will move onward with courage and determination.  I hope the seriousness of my tone conveys a message that will protect others from what happened to me.

 

Nevertheless I know that I am one man and have room for error in my thought process.  But I also know I am intelligent and smart.  May those who have read this learn from what I have experienced.

Hello, it’s me, Drjerm again.  I have some interesting news I wish to share with everyone.  Yesterday, the owners of the company I helped start had a meeting with many of the management and my development team.  The end result is that a lot of people are going to be let go, including the whole development team, excluding one of the guys who will assist part time to maintain things.  There will be somewhat of a part time income still available from work there, but the end result is that I have lost my day job.

 

This is kind of ironic since my last post was about what to do when you need/want to leave your job :)

 

Sometimes life throws a wrench into things, and this is one of those cases.  I have a few options of what I can do.  I could become bitter, angry, worried, stressed, and frustrated.  I could become consumed with losing my job and panic.  What will that get me?  Probably bad health, a broken family, and backwards progress.  I could feel bad for the other developers I worked with as well, especially the ones who haven’t worked there for very long.  But Instead, here’s what I plan on doing:

 

I will be taking the positives from the situation and using a glass half full mentality.  I will encourage the developers who have been let go.  Some of them have gained new and exciting skills in developing websites.  I will inspire them to get a new and better job and wish them the best of luck.  I will be understanding if some of them are very angry.

 

I will use the knowledge I gained as I’ve worked for this comany the last 10 months.  I’ve learned quite a bit about people and situations.  I understand that the owners of companies who are investing money are interested in one thing with a company - having its expenses low and revenues high.  If this means letting people go, that will happen.  I’ve learned to be very careful when having anyone approach you and say they need your help with a business venture.

 

My advice to any of you who are being approached to ‘help’ someone start a business is that you must understand that in most cases you are a means to an end.  This is not negative, this is reality.  You have a skill or ability that is needed for the business to get going.  You may get promised a high salary, a position in upper management, or any number of things.  But realize that over time you may have fulfilled your role in helping the company get started and get let go.  All I am saying, is be VERY careful when people are asking things of you and making you promises.

 

So I have a newfound knowledge of people and business.  That is a positive.  I also have an opportunity over the next three to six months to make a decision.  I will either get another job doing web development, or I will go full blast on my own business ventures :)  My inner gut tells me I need to go full blast on my business ventures.  That I need to fulfull my destiny and make this website really strong.  That I need to give an honest, hard attempt over the next three to six months at least on bringing in my own income.

 

I believe this is what I’m going to do.  If you’ve lost your job, chances are you will be getting some kind of severance pay or supplemental income.  For me, I will get some, but this will still make our income very tight.  Luckily we’ve saved up a little money to last for three to six months.  If we are careful and frugal, I believe I can make a six month attempt to really get the ball rolling with creating my legacy in the world with this website and other business ventures.  I look forward to the challenge.

 

I am not afraid of failing.  I know that I have skills in web development and that I can find a job doing it.  I’ve learned that keeping your skills up to date is important.  To never take anything for granted.  To always be ready for any kind of situation.  To be ready for change and be internally motivated.  I am excited for this challenge in my life.

 

I am a firm believer that when a big challenge occurs in life that it is a doorway to much bigger things if we will but be persistent and diligent as we seek to overcome and learn from the challenge.

 

My advice to those of you who have lost your job is to take the positives from it.  Don’t panic.  Build yourself up and understand that you are special and important.  Find confidence by reading through the resources on my website.  Realize that you can do anything you set your mind to.

 

As such, I have a few very cool things planned for drjerm.com as I will be able to devote FULL TIME work to it now!  Stay tuned for what some of these plans are!

I’ve begun to see a situation with people where they have worked at a company for 10, 15, or more years and either the company is running itself into the ground, or the worker at the company is no longer interested in being there.  For someone in this situation, what do you do?

 

Habit/Comfort

 

I have been fortunate ever since I graduated college in April 2004.  I am now working at my 4th job and each transition has been on my terms and my choosing and has provided me with an upgrade in my salary.  This is not the case for everyone.  Those of you who’ve been stuck at the same place of work for many many years have a lot of comfort and things you are used to at your job.  Adapting and changing will at first, be difficult.

 

The good news is that it’s not so difficult that you cannot do it.  Especially if your company is headed downhill either through management failures, or from just losing business over time.  The first step is not wanting to be comfortable but looking for a change.  This means gaining new skills and taking time to get out of your comfort zone.

 

Take the time to gain the skills for your field that you do not have.  For me, this means looking at the latest in web development technologies.  For others, this means learning to cook more exotic foods, find more creative ways to crunch numbers, or finding ways to better manage people.  Do not get discouraged because you do not know the extra skills you need.  Simply take the time to learn them through practice and application.  Find out what employers are looking for and go out and get those skills by any means necessary!

 

Change of Perception

 

Most of the people who’ve worked at the same company and that are in a rut there likely have a common scenario.  They have not had any of the following for many many years:

 

• Create a Resume
• Have a Job Interview
• Learn New Skills
• Excitement at the work place
• Desire to do anymore than is necessary to get the job done
• Compliments of management

 

I will say that the ‘drudgery’ of work creates a rut that hopefully can at least be recognized if you are in that situation.  I have some ideas that I believe can get you out of this rut, but you must be willing to take some action for an extended period of time.  Not working on it for a few days or weeks and then giving up because you didn’t see instant results.  The vision of long term effort and determination is what leads people to future success.

 

So the first step is changing your perception to someone who is proactive and enjoys new challenges.  This means talking to yourself and building yourself up.  Tell yourself you like new challenges.  Paint a picture of yourself that is happy and energetic.  You like to meet new people, undertake challenging projects, and solve problems.  You are successfull and happy.  You can do it!

 

What do You Want?

 

I know a guy who likes Harley Davidson motorcycles.  He’s worked at the same company for over 10 years.  He does not like it there.  He’s getting burned out and he likely comes home and just crashes, with no desire to try and accomplish much of anything.  This spiraling routine must be fought and beaten into the ground.  Do not feel like coming home from work is the end to your creative thinking and time to stuff your face with snacks and watch your favorite TV shows on DVR.  This will lead you to decay and a sedentary and unhappy life.

 

What you CAN do is spend time thinking about what you like and start putting action into place to pursue that which you like.  The guy I know that likes Harleys could start taking time to compile information about the motorcycles of today.  He could take pictures, and write pages and pages of information.  In time, he’d have the ‘bible’ of motorcycles.  This could lead him to start a website, create his own brand of motorcycle, start his own dealership, or start his own club.

 

Does this seem silly?  No way!  It is possible!  I am living proof of this.  I saw that I enjoyed helping people and wanted to make a difference in the world.  This means not coming home and sitting with my hands under my butt watching reruns of Seinfeld all day.  It means taking time to pursue my dreams and passions!  It means working on this website!  I am also going to be pursuing real estate and renting properties because I like working with people and know that some good extra money can come from it.

 

I am not afraid.  I know the pros and cons to what I do.  I move forward with determination and happiness.  I know that you can do the same.  Why wouldn’t you want to pursue the things you love the most and are passionate about?  Isn’t that what being happy is all about?

 

Being Fearless

 

Fear of the unknown, change, and leaving your comfort zone no doubt keeps you in check from changing the monotony of life.  It does not have to be that way!  You don’t have to make millions of dollars either.  I make a decent salary at my day job.  And I work on all this other stuff in my spare time.  I love doing it.  You may love motorcycles, music, singing, dancing, cooking, cars, magic - whatever it may be, if you love it and are good at it, I can’t see why you wouldn’t want to spend time on it.

 

Once you know what you want to do, make every effort to do it.  It’s like someone offering you a brief case full of gold, but you reject it because the brief case is heavy or looks funny and you don’t want it because it’s different than what you have.  My goodness, I hope you can see the fault of not pursuing your dreams and passions!

 

Do not be afraid of failing.  Take every effort to educate yourself.  Research, talk with others, and most importantly, take action.  Be happy that you are pursuing your dreams.  There is no feeling like knowing that you are doing what you are meant to be doing in life.  It removes fear and doubt and instead replaces you with confidence, happiness, and inner peace.  I know with faith, effort, and determination that you can break free of your many years at your job and start doing worthwhile things!

As I’ve worked on my website, I am finding that the exact purpose of my website needs to be shared so that people know what to expect from me.  The purpose of drjerm is to help people discover ways to improve in life, discover their destiny, and create their legacy.  The website is for people in any of the following situations:

 

• You have worked 10 to 15 years or more at a job where a company is tanking or the job is unfulfilling.  You are looking to change jobs, but don’t know what to do.  You haven’t had to make a resume in years and you are used to your job.
• Over time, you have steadily gained weight.  Each time you try to lose weight, you give up after a short time.  Your weight seems to just increase and you feel there is nothing you can do about it.  Or you are heavy and have plateaued and are neither gaining or losing weight.
• You have a hard time being proactive and confident.  Whenever you don’t know how to do something, you do not try it.  You look at other people who have success in their careers or with the opposite sex and it just seems so easy for them.
• You get very angry and frustrated easily.  Anytime something does not go your way, your blood boils and you lose your temper.  You can’t stand when people are doing stupid things.  Kids especially bother you because they are always making a mess, running around being noisy, and do dumb things.
• You want to have a business and always talk to those around you about doing a business.  This has gone on for years, but nothing has been done about it.  But you still talk about it and wish that someday you could be part of one so you didn’t have to do your boring job.
• Whenever you come up with an idea for something you get excited… for a short period of time.  After a day or two, you are no longer excited about trying your new idea and go back to your normal routine.

 

These are just a few of the scenarios that this website is a resource to help for.  Any situation where inspiration, motivation, improvement, help, or fulfillment is sought, this website is here to assist!  There is a common theme among the situations listed above.  They all deal with confidence, motivation, self control, and self worth.  Drjerm is here to help anyone who struggles in their life, or anyone just looking for resources to further better their life.

 

What if Drjerm Fails?

 

I get asked this question, among others, and I am not afraid of failing.  I’ve mentioned before the hundreds of hours I’ve put into the site.  There are likely many hundreds, if not thousands of more hours to be put in before any real results get seen.  And that’s okay with me.  I know I am learning while I am doing the site and over time, I will have learned much whether this site becomes the ‘next big thing’, or it just stays stagnant.  Bottom line, I am not afraid of trying or failiing.

 

I encourage the visiting of my website to look for information to assist you in your life.  You can contact me anytime.  All my resources are free to use to help you in your life.  Please take the time to read through my entire website and contact me when you have questions.  I look forward to help you as you seek to better yourself!

Disclaimer:

 

I am by no means an expert on this topic.  Pornography is an addictive disease for sure.  What I share, I do so from my own experiences with other people and what I have seen and heard.  I give my best attempt to then broaden this message so that it will resonate with all married couples and those looking to get married.

 

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I am intruiged by the many stories and situations where I see that a wife is devastated and broken down because her husband, behind her back, has been looking at pornography (text, images, and video of ‘adult’ or ’sexual’ situations).  As I’ve seen this, and the marriages it has ruined, there are several things I wish to talk about that I don’t think get discussed nearly enough.  They are:

 

• What are Expectations in the Marriage?
• Why Is the Husband Viewing Pornography?
• How Does the Wife Treat Her Husband and Herself?
• How Does the Husband Treat His Wife and Himself?
• Realities of Men and Society
• Solutions

 

Before I continue, this article is for situations where pornography is an unacceptable behavior from a wife’s point of view.  In many cases, religion is a reason for the unacceptable behavior.  I have enough experience with members of the ‘Mormon’ or Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints faith to see many instances of distraught wives who feel broken as a husband comes out of the closet or is discovered having an addiction to pornography.  I am sure other religions face a similar issue.

 

This article does not look at situations where a couple is ok with pornography - the focus is on husbands who view pornography, the wife finds out, and the problems contained therein.

 

What are Expectations in the Marriage?

 

A mistake many couples make when beginning marriage and throughout marriage is not clearly defining what each persons expectations of their spouse is, and what the expectations for the marriage are.  Each person may have deep rooted expectations, values, and beliefs, but those will remain unknown to the other without clear and constant communication.

 

Often times, a couple meets for the first time and after a few weeks decide they want to spend the rest of their lives together.  They are infatuated and just happy to be in a relationship.  With no real forethought, the plunge to marriage is taken, and the challenges and obstacles of working together and doing the things necessary to keep a marriage strong are not realized.

 

This is a more common scenario in areas where marriage is more heavily emphasized, but the problem is that sure there is an emphasis on marriage and not waiting too long to get married, but then a true realization of what it takes to have a successful marriage is not emphasized as heavily.  So you have young, and sometimes older, people excited that they found someone else who is single and the urge to get married blinds reasoning.

 

What does all this lead to?  It leads to no expectations of now that there is marriage, what the real reason for marriage (besides love) is, what will be done to work together, and what the expectations are.  The challenge is that during the infatuation and the ‘honeymoon’ stage of marriage, the first couple years, because things are so fresh and new, the time isn’t really taken to discuss expectations and planning.  As such, the time is never taken and eventually, ‘hairy’ things begin to creep up and start causing rifts in the marriage.

 

When you take time to honestly sit down with your spouse and discuss expectations, there should be patience and understanding.  Accept your spouse for who they are and what they want.  If you feel something is not in line with what you want, politely and with love share why.  Be reasonable.  Take the time to sit down and have dedicated meetings as to what the expectations in your marriage are.  My wife and I have done this.  The following is some of our expectations of each other and our marriage:

 

• Seek to understand and love each other always
• Love and provide for our wonderful family and our children (of which Ellie is the first)
• Support the other in business ventures (my wife does graphic design, I do websites)
• Be willing to accept faults, mistakes, and be willing to admit mistakes
• Seek to improve in all ways possibly including physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually

 

With a readable set of expectations, my wife and I are clear on what decisions we should be making and what is out of line for our marriage values.  Anytime either of us drifts from this, we have a guide to take us back to what we should be doing with no guessing.  We talk about pornography with each other and our expectation of each other is that we will not seek after it, but be understanding and loving if one or the other slips up and views it.

 

Why Is the Husband Viewing Pornography?

 

A reaction from a wife who has found out her husband is a pornography addict might be related to some of the following in one form or another:

 

• What a jerk
• Can’t believe he betrayed me
• How could he be so selfish
• What a liar and deceiver
• There is no forgiveness
• I want a divorce from this monster

 

Let’s look at most men for a second.  Regardless of what you think about the world, a good many of us guys out there are attracted to beautiful women.  Outside physical appearance is a quality that gets our attention very quickly.  Not only that, having the attention of a woman in our lives is also something that we seek after.  Knowing these two things, I can very quickly give you a reason why most guys are looking at pornography.

 

The husband is not getting enough attention from his wife

 

Remember, guys need attention just as much as a woman does.  For me, I love it when my wife says to me that she wants to be with me and spend time with me.  When I come home from work and she’s made dinner that means a lot.  That doesn’t mean she has to make dinner and it doesn’t mean she has to be a magnet to me every hour of every day.  Giving space is equally important, however, the periodic reassurance that she cares goes a long way.

 

The husband is not as attracted to his wife

 

I’ve heared stories of older couples where the husband comes out of the blue and admits a pornography addiction.  Young and old, and whether it is agreed with or not, a guy likes a woman who takes care of herself and is physically attractive.  In addition to that, confidence and the desire to show both outward and inner beauty are big keys.  A confident and attractive woman should hold the attention of most men.  If a beautiful, confident, and loving woman is not garnering the attention of her husband, that man is a fool!

 

However, how many cases when a husband is viewing pornography are related to a wife who has had many children and has not put in any effort to exercise and get a healthy body?  Does this seem fair to a mother who has had many children, saying that she has to get in the gym and get rid of excess fat?  I leave that to you, the reader, to draw your own conclusions.  However, the reality is that whether a wife has had many children or no children, if she is not physically attractive, or showing happiness or confidence, or seeking to be happy and confident, a husband is likely to lose interest and begin looking elsewhere.

 

The husband has lost interest in his wife

 

What happens when two patners in a marriage become more focused on their own individual endeavors and stop focusing on the bond between them?  Of course this weakens a marriage.  I understand why many hollywood marriages fail.  Those actors, movie stars, and famous people lead very busy lives.  How much time are they going to spend alone with their spouse or with their families seeking to strengthen them?

 

In addition, a husband who is not gaining the support of their significant other will eventually feel neglected.  Nobody likes to feel neglected.  Neglect causes a void and of course filling that void is going to be a priority.  If a husband is feeling this way, they are going to look to alternatives to fill this.  Pornography is one way that this void gets filled.

 

The husband has been addicted to pornography even before marriage

 

There may be a case where a husband got introduced to adult movies/magazines at a young age and has ben engrained with this information.  For a marriage to all of a sudden root this out is pretty unreasonable.  This kind of thing has to be addressed and steps taken to change this type of behavior.  That kind of change will take time, patience and understanding.  Pornography is an addiction hard to overcome and it will take an understanding wife who does not want pornography in her life to be patient with a husband like this.

 

How Does the Wife Treat Her Husband and Herself?

 

As a wife, please do not criticize and nag your husband, especially frequently.  If you find out he is looking at pornography and this is not acceptable behavior to you, first treat him with respect and understanding.  Don’t get all negative on him.  You will do your marriage a big favor by first seeking to understand.  Yes, the cooperation of your husband is necessary to overcome pornography, but you will take a grand first step by showing love and patience first.’

 

Even if you’ve been married for 30 years and you are just now finding out he’s had an addiction, don’t start despairing and thinking everything is ruined.  There is no value in adopting a negative attitude the moment something happens that doesn’t meet your expectations.  Look at your husband independent of pornography.  If he is a good man, you should be very thankful for that.  Just because a man looks at pornography that does not mean he is a bad man or husband.

 

How Does the Husband Treat His Wife and Himself?

 

As a husband, it is also your responsibility to communicate with your wife.  If you have a pornography addiction and your marriage expectations is that is unacceptable behavior, you have a responsibility to your wife to let her know you are struggling and to ask for her patience and assistance.

 

As a husband, pay attention to your wife and support her in what she does.  Tell her you like it when she looks nice and takes care of herself.  Let he know that these are real things that help you in the marriage.  If she truly wants to make it work, she will at least give an honest effort, and you will give an honest effort in the things she wants, and the both of you should maintain patience and understanding.

 

Realities of Men and Society

 

Society bombards men with tv and that sex is casual, acceptable, and cool.  Whether or not you believe sex should be casual is beyond the scope of this article.  However, be aware that society today belives a lot of things related to pornography are acceptable today.  Yes, this does not mean you have to believe they are acceptable.  But it does mean you have to recognize society and be understanding of its affect.

 

Whether society has caused men to seek after attractive women and wishful, fantasy thinking is beyond the scope of this article.  What is important, is that you can bet that when your husband sees an attractive women, that he is going to notice her.  But if you have a good marriage and your bond is strong, she will be quickly forgotten.

 

Solutions

 

Talk about expectations.  Wives, try being patient and understanding with your husband.  Especially if he is a good guy, talk with him and be supportive.  Don’t flip out and criticize him.  Find out why he is doing it.  Realize that most men are tempted to look at pornography and most slip up occasionally.  Where there is an addiction, get help from counseling or other sources if necessary.  Above all, try starting with love and patience, both from the wife, and from the husband.

At the time of writing this, my wife and I have an adorable, little, just turned one year old daughter, Ellie.  She is such a wonderful addition to our family.  I love watching her grow and learn and seeing her happy, smiling face.  I am seeing the effects of positivity and encouragement already in her even at this young age.  I know she is talented, smart, and will be successful.  I’ve embeded some videos of her for your viewing pleasure.

 

My wife, Heidi, does a great job narrating the videos. I hope you enjoy them! I am thankful for my wife and daughter and the wonderful family which I have.

 

Ellie, a Couple Months Old

 

Ellie Eating Some Breakfast

 

Ellie Saying Hello 

 

Ellie Playing the Piano 

 

Cleaning Baby! 

There are a few resources on the website at http://www.drjerm.com, that I would like to draw attention to.  They are creating your legacy, success stories, and self improvement product reviews.  These sections will be updated with more and more information so that you can have a plethora of information to see products that will help you in life, to see examples of people creating their legacy, and to see the stories of famous people who have already created their legacy.

 

Creating Your Legacy Product Reviews

 

Here you will find reviews on a variety of self improvement products, starting out with books, that will help you with getting in better physical condition, how to influence other people, and how to find your purpose in life.

 

People Currently Creating Their Legacy

 

Here you will see actual real people that are alive today creating their legacy.  These people are successful and it is amazing what you can learn from them just by reading their success stories.

 

Stories of Famous People Who Have Created a Legacy

 

This section is meant to inspire and uplift you with fictional and non-fictional information of those people who have created a legacy in the world.  Read the inspiring and uplifting stories and see how you can apply what these people did to be successful.

 

With a little faith, dedication, and research, you have all the tools you need to be successful and create your legacy!