I’ve published quite a bit of information on the drjerm website about confidence, happiness, and emotional stability. I have to admit that right now I am fully being put to the test. There have been only a few times in my life where I have had an intense emotional response in a negative way. These include:
- My first time living away from home in Ireland
- The first time my wife and I broke up when we were dating
- Other times I have felt betrayed, including the most recent one where a company whose owners I trusted ended up just getting rid of the developers, including me
I have to be honest with myself right now, I am very upset. I’ve been working with one of the owners of the company I got axed from since April 2004 and I trusted him. I no longer do at all. Time after time, the owners talked about how important our development was and that we were safe from any down sizing. The end result is that all the talk over the last 10 months has been B.S. All talks of money, importance, everything just a load of crap. This is how I feel when I am honest with myself about it.
So the challenge is what do you do when intense emotion is consuming you? For some of you, this may be getting heart broken, suffering the death of a loved one, or getting betrayed as I have been. I don’t claim to have all the answers to this, but I can at least share some experiences and insight.
Look to Actions and Evidence
The first thing is the fake, generalized talk that goes on between business associates, family members, and supposed friends - where everything is just a front to what is truly going on. What is truly going on is what gets talked about behind closed doors. What a married couple talks about when nobody is around. What the owners, of the company I helped start and got axed from instantly, talk about in their closed door meetings. This is the stuff that is open and honest, rarely talked about in public getherings and meetings, and is the truth about what people are really thinking.
For me, having this further amplified has been helpful. I always knew in the back of my mind that most discussions we were having while I was at the business were just for time filling, but I can now look back and see many signs of hidden realities. Perhaps you are getting promised a raise at your job or other perks. If none of this is happening, don’t kid yourself. The people promising it do not have it as a high priority.
Look towards the action that is taking place. Examine very carefully the actions. When all conversations are happening and done, trust what is actually going on. There was plenty of talk with the young owners of this company about the money we’d make, how important we were, and everything else under the sun. We even got proposed ownerships a couple weeks ago which included me getting a $20,000/year raise, and percentage ownerships and profit sharing.
The realities were that the developers were brushed aside, a means to an end, poorly treated, and important only for getting the business going. As such, I accept some responsiblity for the situation that has happened to me. The intense emotions that I am having make me human and I believe are defense mechanisms to let me know how a situations is going. I’ve learned more fully that everyone has their own agendas they are trying to achieve. For the young owners, we were a means to an end for their agenda.
In Their Shoes
Another way to handle this intense emotion I believe is to see it from the other sides point of view, the other side meaning the cause for the intense emotion. I bet I can see it from the three owners points of view. Let’s just call them A, B, and C. A is the primary angel investor and is not young, while B and C are just two young guys with no experience, but decided to get into debt (in a variety of ways) in hopes that this company will make them millions.
The view point of angel investor A is simple. They don’t want what they deem as un-necessary costs. Five developers at the company was un-necessary to them. So there is only developer left there as a supposed part time person to maintain systems. The developers weren’t the only ones to go. There were quite a few other people axed, including some graphics guys. Angel investor A is the driving force behind the company’s decisions. The two young owners are just like puppy dogs, following their orders as they don’t have a clue what they are doing.
We will call owner B, just a young guy who I’ve known for a couple years now. He thinks highly of himself. He doesn’t want to work for someone ever doing a day job. He talks a lot saying one thing, but having in his mind his own agendas. He wants to make a lot of money and do whatever he wants in life. He tries to appear charming and good with people, but that is just a cover for his own hidden agendas. It is sad, I used to admire this guy.
Owner C is the owner I first helped start a website with in early 2004. I considered him a good friend and good business associate. We talked a lot about what was going on and plans for the future. Slowly over time, I was pushed more and more out of the picture. I am sure he feels a little bit bad for the situation. But in his mind, he wants to have the company stay alive and that means anything goes to make that happen.
So here was have three owners, and probably like many company owners, they make decisions soley for themselves and I can understand that. After all, if you own a company you want it to make money. But at what cost? Losing friendships and ruining relationships? Is a business and becoming a multi-millionaire really worth that? For some, it appears to be so.
Final Thoughts
I have a much amplified sensor now when it comes to people wanting to start a business and asking for the help of others. My view point may even be a little skewed and over the edge now because of this situation. All I can say is, don’t get trapped by people who want your help with a business and promising you things if you help. What is really going on is they need your skills which they don’t have and you are a means to their end for their success. Keep your guard up and don’t let yourself get roped in.
That’s not to say that there isn’t good honest people trying to start a business. It just means be very careful when anyone starting a business asks for your help. You may be fortunate and find that they are actually genuine. But if you face a situation like me, you are better off saying no and just leaving it at that.
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Brett A. Gubler · July 5, 2008 at 10:07 am
I was also one of the developers that was dropped by the same company as Dr. Jerm. I also found myself dealing with unhealthy strong negative emotions that were not doing me any good. Instead of picking up my computer and throwing it out the window I tried to calm down and think it out and look for the positive things that came out of the experience. They say every cloud has a silver lining and this one did. 1) I had been at my previous job for 13 years and felt stuck because I didn’t feel like I could do anything else. At this job I gained confidence in myself and my abilities to succeed outside of my first job I found out of college. 2) I hadn’t been there long enough to get any kind of compensation after my last paycheck. However Dr. Jerm and the other developer there pulled some strings and made sure I did get something. After paying for my medical loses from the medical insurance gap that I had there was still money left over. 3) I gained new skills, knowledge, and experience I wouldn’t otherwise have gained. 4) I was able to get my old job back at my old pay, but even better then that I didn’t have to on afterhours oncall anymore. 5) I was given a 2 year MSDN subscription that I got to keep. 6) I got to become better friends with Dr. Jerm and the other developer that worked there with us. 7) They gave me 7 days paid vacation while I was there that doesn’t count againts my total vacation days at my old job. After I thought about all those things I began wondering if this was really something I should be angry about or was this just a blessing in disguise. Then my anger changed to mostly just sadness that a great job opportunity had gone away. I belive that any experience that happens to us, no matter how terrible is seems at the time, there are always some positive things that come out of it. If you can look at those things it can help you in dealing with powerful negative emotions.
Brett Gubler · July 5, 2008 at 10:58 am
I would like to add a little to my previous comment. I had only been there a short time and in no way wish to compare my experience to Dr. Jerm’s experience. It was a much greater blow to him as he had actually worked for many months without getting paid to help found this company and so the lack of loyalty was greater towards him then to me. I did however experience some very strong negative emotions as well and looking at the postive thing helped me deal with them. Thats all I was trying to say.
Admin comment by drjerm · July 5, 2008 at 4:17 pm
Thanks Brett for your insight. I believe in the end, that a positive outlook on the whole situation is going to be the best benefit and you have a wonderful attitude.