When I was young, I played basketball for our high school in Michigan.  Our coach decided that he would take us to an area called ‘Pretty Lake’.  Here, as a team, we would learn to come together.  We would go through a series of tasks that would require us to have the assistance of other people on the team.  There was a giant wall we all needed to climb.  As such, we would get on each others shoulders, lift each other up, and eventually, we all got over.

 

In an area with tall trees, several ropes and wooden boards were high above the ground.  By high above the ground, I mean 20 feet or so.  The whole team went up, with harnesses on, and had to go through a series of steps to navigate an obstacle course way above the ground.  One such obstacle was two ropes tied to two trees in which you had to cross by holding on to someone in front of you so that each of you had your weight on your rope and you moved sideways until you crossed, each of you on your own rope.  In this case, working together was required.  It was a fairly frightening experience for me as heights are not something that I enjoy.

 

I look back on this trip with fond memories and saw the immensity of working together that was required.  I look at marriages today and the same effort, if not more, working together is required if marriages are to last.

 

My wife and I have been married for 7 1/2 years now and I would consider us to have a very good marriage.  We have difficult times for sure, but overall, we have a marriage that I am very proud of.  Our marriage takes sacrifice and comprimise, understanding, creating memories together, and understanding realities.  I would go as far to say that marriage is not easy and takes hard work to keep the relationship great.

 

Sacrifice and Comprimise

 

I am a selfish person by nature. I love to do projects on my own and not have people get in the way. I have been able to overcome this as I get older and wise up. I am learning that a strong marriage requires me to make sacrifices.  This means taking care of our young daughter Ellie and giving my wife a break.  It means doing dishes and mowing the grass.  It means making sure we are taken care of financially.

 

If you do not want to make sacrifices or are only thinking of yourself, your marriage is going to be in trouble.  Or if you are not yet married, take a hard look at yourself.  Ask yourself if you are willing to spend time serving and helping someone else.  When you have kids, this becomes amplified, and your sacrifice will be required even more.  Living the life of a bachelor is far different than working in a committed marriage.

 

Understanding

 

Over the course of my marriage, I have made many mistakes. I continue to make mistakes. Both people in a marriage will make mistakes of different kinds. Realize that we are all human. Mistakes happen. Don’t snap at your spouse whenever a mistake is made. Respond with love and compassion.

 

Marriage is a journey.  When I was young and on cloud nine through the honey moon stage of my marriage, I had no clue of this.  I was in love with this woman and I was looking forward to our wedding night ;)  Consequently, I believe my wife was looking more forward to our wedding day.  As our marriage has progressed, I realize that we are both changing.  Not only that, we now have a daughter and she is ever changing.  As we all change, it takes great understanding and care to handle the change.

 

When my wife and I were first married, I had no dreams or aspirations.  I was content with a $7.50/hour data entry job.  I was negative in the way I talked about myself.  I have changed since then.  I am very driven to be the best that I can be.  I am not satisfied with meager income.  As I am changing, I let my wife know what I think all the time.  I tell her that I am changing and ask for her patience.

 

I believe our marriage is successful in large part to understanding.  We both have our bad days.  One of us may not be feeling well or have a head ache.  Sometimes life gets hard.  It takes care and understanding from the other spouse to realize this and do all that she/he can to support.  When my wife needs a break for a while, I take our daughter and give my wife space.  She does the same for me.  This requires a choice and commitment from both involved.

 

Creating Memories Together

 

I wrote about a trip to the Oregon Coast that our family took a little while ago.  This was a memory that was created as a family.  My wife enjoys putting together the photographs that were taken on the trip.  She puts them together in scrap books and creates a record of our family.  This is very important to her.  It does not matter what I think about creating memories.  If it is important to your spouse, you better take careful note and spend some time on it.

 

You don’t have to even take a trip to create memories.  Just go on a walk together.  If you are married and reading this, ask your spouse if they would like to go on a walk with you.  Take som initiative and find a baby sitter for your children and go on a date.  Doing these kinds of things will show your spouse that you are interested in growing with them.

 

Realities

 

One of the realities of marriage is that both the husband and wife will encounter difficulties.  I’ve had some trouble with a company I helped start.  Our health insurance situation is very sticky right now.  My wife has Multiple Sclerosis, a disease of the nervous system.  We do not have insurance right now and if she is not covered after 62 days, it will be nigh impossible to get her covered.  This is causing some stress.  But we talk about it.  We share the challenge together and as such, it becomes less stressful.

 

What about situations where you are just tired of being married, what do you do?  I know for a lot of married people that some days you just don’t feel like being married and being a family.  Over time, this may increase.  But this is an illusion for those who are seeking to have a happy marriage.  You must always keep a look out for each other and always put the other first.  If one of you is not doing this, then things are going to go downhill.

 

Final Thoughts

 

When first getting married, it must be realized that marriage is not easy.  Just because you meet someone and have a great time does not mean that a successful marriage is the logical next step.  A successful marriage takes time and effort.  It takes a long lasting commitment.  It takes being understanding of mistakes and accepting of change.  I know that with effort and dedication, that a marriage can be successful.  Take time to sit with your spouse and discuss each other.  Be kind, considerate, and serve your spouse.  I know you can have a successful marriage with a little effort and faith.

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Disclaimer:

 

I am by no means an expert on this topic.  Pornography is an addictive disease for sure.  What I share, I do so from my own experiences with other people and what I have seen and heard.  I give my best attempt to then broaden this message so that it will resonate with all married couples and those looking to get married.

 

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I am intruiged by the many stories and situations where I see that a wife is devastated and broken down because her husband, behind her back, has been looking at pornography (text, images, and video of ‘adult’ or ‘sexual’ situations).  As I’ve seen this, and the marriages it has ruined, there are several things I wish to talk about that I don’t think get discussed nearly enough.  They are:

 

• What are Expectations in the Marriage?
• Why Is the Husband Viewing Pornography?
• How Does the Wife Treat Her Husband and Herself?
• How Does the Husband Treat His Wife and Himself?
• Realities of Men and Society
• Solutions

 

Before I continue, this article is for situations where pornography is an unacceptable behavior from a wife’s point of view.  In many cases, religion is a reason for the unacceptable behavior.  I have enough experience with members of the ‘Mormon’ or Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints faith to see many instances of distraught wives who feel broken as a husband comes out of the closet or is discovered having an addiction to pornography.  I am sure other religions face a similar issue.

 

This article does not look at situations where a couple is ok with pornography – the focus is on husbands who view pornography, the wife finds out, and the problems contained therein.

 

What are Expectations in the Marriage?

 

A mistake many couples make when beginning marriage and throughout marriage is not clearly defining what each persons expectations of their spouse is, and what the expectations for the marriage are.  Each person may have deep rooted expectations, values, and beliefs, but those will remain unknown to the other without clear and constant communication.

 

Often times, a couple meets for the first time and after a few weeks decide they want to spend the rest of their lives together.  They are infatuated and just happy to be in a relationship.  With no real forethought, the plunge to marriage is taken, and the challenges and obstacles of working together and doing the things necessary to keep a marriage strong are not realized.

 

This is a more common scenario in areas where marriage is more heavily emphasized, but the problem is that sure there is an emphasis on marriage and not waiting too long to get married, but then a true realization of what it takes to have a successful marriage is not emphasized as heavily.  So you have young, and sometimes older, people excited that they found someone else who is single and the urge to get married blinds reasoning.

 

What does all this lead to?  It leads to no expectations of now that there is marriage, what the real reason for marriage (besides love) is, what will be done to work together, and what the expectations are.  The challenge is that during the infatuation and the ‘honeymoon’ stage of marriage, the first couple years, because things are so fresh and new, the time isn’t really taken to discuss expectations and planning.  As such, the time is never taken and eventually, ‘hairy’ things begin to creep up and start causing rifts in the marriage.

 

When you take time to honestly sit down with your spouse and discuss expectations, there should be patience and understanding.  Accept your spouse for who they are and what they want.  If you feel something is not in line with what you want, politely and with love share why.  Be reasonable.  Take the time to sit down and have dedicated meetings as to what the expectations in your marriage are.  My wife and I have done this.  The following is some of our expectations of each other and our marriage:

 

• Seek to understand and love each other always
• Love and provide for our wonderful family and our children (of which Ellie is the first)
• Support the other in business ventures (my wife does graphic design, I do websites)
• Be willing to accept faults, mistakes, and be willing to admit mistakes
• Seek to improve in all ways possibly including physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually

 

With a readable set of expectations, my wife and I are clear on what decisions we should be making and what is out of line for our marriage values.  Anytime either of us drifts from this, we have a guide to take us back to what we should be doing with no guessing.  We talk about pornography with each other and our expectation of each other is that we will not seek after it, but be understanding and loving if one or the other slips up and views it.

 

Why Is the Husband Viewing Pornography?

 

A reaction from a wife who has found out her husband is a pornography addict might be related to some of the following in one form or another:

 

• What a jerk
• Can’t believe he betrayed me
• How could he be so selfish
• What a liar and deceiver
• There is no forgiveness
• I want a divorce from this monster

 

Let’s look at most men for a second.  Regardless of what you think about the world, a good many of us guys out there are attracted to beautiful women.  Outside physical appearance is a quality that gets our attention very quickly.  Not only that, having the attention of a woman in our lives is also something that we seek after.  Knowing these two things, I can very quickly give you a reason why most guys are looking at pornography.

 

The husband is not getting enough attention from his wife

 

Remember, guys need attention just as much as a woman does.  For me, I love it when my wife says to me that she wants to be with me and spend time with me.  When I come home from work and she’s made dinner that means a lot.  That doesn’t mean she has to make dinner and it doesn’t mean she has to be a magnet to me every hour of every day.  Giving space is equally important, however, the periodic reassurance that she cares goes a long way.

 

The husband is not as attracted to his wife

 

I’ve heared stories of older couples where the husband comes out of the blue and admits a pornography addiction.  Young and old, and whether it is agreed with or not, a guy likes a woman who takes care of herself and is physically attractive.  In addition to that, confidence and the desire to show both outward and inner beauty are big keys.  A confident and attractive woman should hold the attention of most men.  If a beautiful, confident, and loving woman is not garnering the attention of her husband, that man is a fool!

 

However, how many cases when a husband is viewing pornography are related to a wife who has had many children and has not put in any effort to exercise and get a healthy body?  Does this seem fair to a mother who has had many children, saying that she has to get in the gym and get rid of excess fat?  I leave that to you, the reader, to draw your own conclusions.  However, the reality is that whether a wife has had many children or no children, if she is not physically attractive, or showing happiness or confidence, or seeking to be happy and confident, a husband is likely to lose interest and begin looking elsewhere.

 

The husband has lost interest in his wife

 

What happens when two patners in a marriage become more focused on their own individual endeavors and stop focusing on the bond between them?  Of course this weakens a marriage.  I understand why many hollywood marriages fail.  Those actors, movie stars, and famous people lead very busy lives.  How much time are they going to spend alone with their spouse or with their families seeking to strengthen them?

 

In addition, a husband who is not gaining the support of their significant other will eventually feel neglected.  Nobody likes to feel neglected.  Neglect causes a void and of course filling that void is going to be a priority.  If a husband is feeling this way, they are going to look to alternatives to fill this.  Pornography is one way that this void gets filled.

 

The husband has been addicted to pornography even before marriage

 

There may be a case where a husband got introduced to adult movies/magazines at a young age and has ben engrained with this information.  For a marriage to all of a sudden root this out is pretty unreasonable.  This kind of thing has to be addressed and steps taken to change this type of behavior.  That kind of change will take time, patience and understanding.  Pornography is an addiction hard to overcome and it will take an understanding wife who does not want pornography in her life to be patient with a husband like this.

 

How Does the Wife Treat Her Husband and Herself?

 

As a wife, please do not criticize and nag your husband, especially frequently.  If you find out he is looking at pornography and this is not acceptable behavior to you, first treat him with respect and understanding.  Don’t get all negative on him.  You will do your marriage a big favor by first seeking to understand.  Yes, the cooperation of your husband is necessary to overcome pornography, but you will take a grand first step by showing love and patience first.’

 

Even if you’ve been married for 30 years and you are just now finding out he’s had an addiction, don’t start despairing and thinking everything is ruined.  There is no value in adopting a negative attitude the moment something happens that doesn’t meet your expectations.  Look at your husband independent of pornography.  If he is a good man, you should be very thankful for that.  Just because a man looks at pornography that does not mean he is a bad man or husband.

 

How Does the Husband Treat His Wife and Himself?

 

As a husband, it is also your responsibility to communicate with your wife.  If you have a pornography addiction and your marriage expectations is that is unacceptable behavior, you have a responsibility to your wife to let her know you are struggling and to ask for her patience and assistance.

 

As a husband, pay attention to your wife and support her in what she does.  Tell her you like it when she looks nice and takes care of herself.  Let he know that these are real things that help you in the marriage.  If she truly wants to make it work, she will at least give an honest effort, and you will give an honest effort in the things she wants, and the both of you should maintain patience and understanding.

 

Realities of Men and Society

 

Society bombards men with tv and that sex is casual, acceptable, and cool.  Whether or not you believe sex should be casual is beyond the scope of this article.  However, be aware that society today belives a lot of things related to pornography are acceptable today.  Yes, this does not mean you have to believe they are acceptable.  But it does mean you have to recognize society and be understanding of its affect.

 

Whether society has caused men to seek after attractive women and wishful, fantasy thinking is beyond the scope of this article.  What is important, is that you can bet that when your husband sees an attractive women, that he is going to notice her.  But if you have a good marriage and your bond is strong, she will be quickly forgotten.

 

Solutions

 

Talk about expectations.  Wives, try being patient and understanding with your husband.  Especially if he is a good guy, talk with him and be supportive.  Don’t flip out and criticize him.  Find out why he is doing it.  Realize that most men are tempted to look at pornography and most slip up occasionally.  Where there is an addiction, get help from counseling or other sources if necessary.  Above all, try starting with love and patience, both from the wife, and from the husband.

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At the time of writing this, my wife and I have an adorable, little, just turned one year old daughter, Ellie.  She is such a wonderful addition to our family.  I love watching her grow and learn and seeing her happy, smiling face.  I am seeing the effects of positivity and encouragement already in her even at this young age.  I know she is talented, smart, and will be successful.  I’ve embeded some videos of her for your viewing pleasure.

 

My wife, Heidi, does a great job narrating the videos. I hope you enjoy them! I am thankful for my wife and daughter and the wonderful family which I have.

 

Ellie, a Couple Months Old

 

Ellie Eating Some Breakfast

 

Ellie Saying Hello 

 

Ellie Playing the Piano 

 

Cleaning Baby! 

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This is an article about why marriages fail and how to keep a marriage healthy.  To start, I give my disclaimer that I am not the ultimate sure fire source for information on this subject.  I give a lot of things from my point of view and from what I’ve seen.  There are cases where a marriage fails because it is the right thing to do or for reasons I cannot explain.  However, I do believe the information I share is for the majority of cases for a marriage failing and what can be done to have a healthy marriage.  Marriage is something that requires constant effort and attention, and I see this every day, even in my marriage.

 

You can probably find a lot of information about how to keep the fire going in a marriage and here are all the things that can go wrong in a marriage.  You will see situations of marriage given, advice from experts, and everything under the sun trying to explain failing marriages.  I would like to take a different approach.  I would like to talk about the hidden trurths of failing marriages and relationships and what are the real reasons for the marriage failing.

 

Getting Married For No Other Purpose Than Physical Attraction and Enjoyment

 

There is nothing wrong with being physically attracted to someone and having a good feeling when you spend time with them.  Problems occur when the decision to get married is made just because you feel good together.  This will likely cause a failed marriage.  This is even more severe when the relationship has only been going on for a short time (a few months or less).  The problem with this is that marriage is a LIFE together.  It is not just hanging out having a good time with minimal responsibility.  A true marriage requires the joining of efforts from 2 people to succeed in life together.

 

The problems that arise from marriage without a purpose other than physical attraction and enjoyment is that as time goes on and things need to be addressed like bills, living arrangements, annoying habits, expectations, pets, children, planning for the future, financial planning, dealing with sickness and hardship, dealing with extended family members, dealing with the newness of marriage wearing off over time, and the list goes on.  There is a plethora of things to be dealt with in a marriage and the list only gets bigger over time.

 

For the wife in the marriage, you are interested in security and quality time with your husband and dealing with kids and keeping the house clean, and the husband ignores you because he’s too busy working or watching the game on tv, and all of a sudden things are much different than when you were dating and you had his undivided attention.  All of a sudden you aren’t getting the things you want and this can lead to some bad decisions which I will talk about later.

 

For the husband, you are interested in your wife’s physical appearance and the pursuing of the things you want to do, likely related to sports, outdoors, or business ventures.  You want independence and it is a hard thing for you to deal with poopy diapers of your children, cleaning up in the kitchen, or taking over doing the laundry here and there.  This wasn’t your idea of what marriage is and as such, you may make some bad decisions as you seek to relieve yourself of these duties.

 

What Causes a Spouse to Run Off With Another Guy/Gal

 

This is an area in marriages failing that isn’t discussed enough.  For both a husband and a wife, if the feeling is that the other spouse is not giving you enough attention or that things are just getting dull and you are getting by only, then this will start small but fester over time.  Over a long period of time, eventually the spouse feeling neglected or ignored will have a tough time dealing with it.  Let’s face it, we all need attention, love, and care.

 

What are some ways a spouse is neglected?  Maybe your wife tries to talk to you constantly about important things to her like the garden outside, your baby daughters teeth coming in, buying a car seat, plans for groceries, ways to spice up your marriage, movies she would like to see and more.  If you’re not interested in these kinds of things and just ignore her, you are making a very unwise decision if you wish your marriage to not fail.

 

Maybe your husband really likes sports and tries to talk to you, the wife, but you really hate sports and could care less.  You just brush him off every time.  He tries to talk computers with you, but you loathe the idea of talking about technology.  Maybe he likes to run, swim, eat apples, or enjoys certain activities.  If you do not show an interest in this, this is going to affect his happiness in the marriage.

 

What happens is that the neglected spouse can then become seeking to get the approval and attention of someone who is interested in them.  This may start harmlessly from just talking to someone casually, but the reality is, someone showing even a little interest will start a fire in the neglected spouse that will consume them.  I mean hey, someone is showing me attention, likes me.  I feel good, this hasn’t happened to me in a long time, I like this!

 

The danger with this is a false reality of getting into a relationship based on physical attraction and enjoyment with another person.  For the most part, that’s all a situation like this is.  A marriage has become dry and dull and a spouse has found someone that is breathing new life into them.  It’s just like dating someone for the first time where you like the person – things are good, but for all the wrong reasons.  At first things are great, but over time, all the responsiblities of life have to be dealt with and that relationship will shatter!  The relationship is based on deceit, lies, and only ‘feeling good’.  What a sandy and shaky foundation for a relationship, not to mention it is behind your spouse’s back!

 

There are other problems in a marriage, such as being too controlling, finances, abuse, and more.  But I honestly believe that the biggest problem faced in marriages today is the drying up and dullness of a marriage.  One spouse is no longer attracted to the other because the other one put on some weight or whatever reason.  And things are dull so one spouse looks elsewhere to have their needs fulfilled.  If this one area was addressed properly for all before going into a marriage and during a marraige, I know there would be FAR less divorces in our world.

 

Frustrations From a Husbands Point of View

 

From my view point, and probably a good many of other husbands, there are just some things about us that make us the way we are.  For us, sex is a physical thing.  We enjoy our wife looking good.  We like it when our wife shows interest in us and makes the first move.  We like a wife who is confident and takes charge.  A wife who makes things happen and is motivated is a big plus for us.  A wife who is supportive of our work endeavors and is at least somewhat interested in sports helps.  These, and many more things, are just realities.

 

Now this is not to say that the wives have to be all these things and more.  But for a marriage to have lasting interest for a husband, a good many of these things have to at least be recognized and comprimised on by the wife.  At least recognize and try to do some of these things.  For you wives, you will be amazed at your husbands attention if you decide to get in shape, show some confidence, and take charge of things.

 

A good many of husband frustrations in marriage deal with their needs in these areas not being met.  A big one is our wife keeping her body looking good and her showing confidence.  This does NOT mean that as a husband you nag your wife about doing these things.  Just show love, appreciation, and COMMUNICATE to your wife the things you are interested in.  Talk to her when she is not distracted and be sincere with her.  Be open, honest, and understanding.  Be willing to comprimise.

 

Frustrations From a Wifes Point of View

 

As a husband, you will frustrate your marriage if you do not spend quality time with your wife.  Of course this is easy to do when you are dating and first married.  Everything is bliss, it usually is.  But over time, the course of life sets in and a partnership begins that requires spending time working on.  Your marriage will be strengthened just by spending quality time with your wife.  This means having dinner together, going on walks, going to the movies with her, helping her with whatever she is doing and communicating with her.

 

As a husband, you too should take time to keep yourself in shape, look good, and be confident.  Show your wife that you are special and can make things happen.  Keep advancing your career so you can provide for you and your family, but still spend quality time with your wife and family.  Help out with the kids, chores, laundry, dishes, and more.  Your marriage will flourish if you spend time on these important aspects.

 

A good many of wife frustrations in marriage come from feeling like the husband is not helping out around the house, paying attention to the needs of her, ignoring her advances, and just flat out being more interested in his own personal things, rather than the interests of her or the family.

 

Realities In Marriage That Must Be Realized and Have Understanding

 

Some simple realities must be realized and comprimized on.  I’ve compiled a simple list describing the key ones for marriage.

 

• Husbands will be tempted to look at pornography (A good husband will admit this and a good wife will be understanding.  As long as both parties recognize it and the effort is made to stay away from it, both parties should be satisfied.  If your husband slips, do not scold him.  Be understanding, support him, and do the things described above to get his attention.)
• Husbands will turn their head when there is a ‘hot gal’ (This is a guy thing.  Guys are taken to women that look good.  As long as a husband is sensible and doesn’t act on this impulse, a wife should be understanding.)
• Wives like to shop and buy things – usually for the family (As a husband, do not stress or roll your eyes when your wife shops.  She is probably doing it because she feels she is filling a need for your family – and she probably is!  Show some support for once.)
• Wives want their husband to help around the house (This is a tough one.  When I come home from work I am tired.  But I also know I must be responsible and help out.  It isn’t easy, but every little bit helps.  Your wife will love you for helping out.)
• Husbands want to spend time on their hobbies (sports, computers, whatever it may be) (We all have hobbies and things we like to do, both husband and wife.  Each spouse must be supportive and the spouse with the hobby must understand moderation in all things.)
• Husbands want an attractive and confident wife (The chance of a husband looking elsewhere for women will be a lot less with an attractive and confident wife.  As a wife, do what it takes to look good and take charge.)
• Wives want a husband who doesn’t scratch them with scruff when kissing (This is one I struggle with.  I have to shave every day to not have scruff.  But the benefits of doing so will likely mean a more physically attentive wife.)
• Wives want a husband that takes care of the family financially (Husbands, don’t be dead beats.  Keep a job, look for extra ways to make money.  Continue your education if necessary and provide for your families.  If you are not the provider, support your wife as she provides for your family.)

 

This is a hard look at why marriages fail and what can be done to keep marriages healthy.  It is from my point of view and I know there are special cases or variations that apply to marriages out there.  But take the general idea of what I am saying and apply it to your marriage.  Seek to understand first before seeking to be understood and your marriages will flourish.

 

 

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